[That was... a sharp blow, and one that takes the wind out of her sails. She glanced down, picking at her nails with a frown. Her memories were cloudy, she couldn't remember exactly how her mother behaved, only that she missed her. Only that she loved them both dearly.]
I know. [Her throat felt like it was closing up, and her eyes were beginning to burn. This wasn't what she would have wanted.]
[But did that mean she would forgive Jack for what he had done? Start over from the beginning and pretend it hadn't happened? Angel wanted to believe that her mother was better than that, would have protected her, even from her husband.]
I can't start over. But... I can try to move forward.
That's something. I can't...I can't go back and change anything, Angel. If I could...I would, okay? I...
[Well, it's the best he's gotten so far. And she's not yelling or freaking out or anything else. Okay, this had been the right course of action. Just lie!]
This isn't what I want, either. You...like this. I just...I dunno. Lost track of...a lot of stuff. Priorities and things. I'm not saying this as an excuse or anything, but I was pretty messed up there a while myself. It was a messed up time, there was a lot going on, a lot of panicking...
[What Jack says catches her up, though. What Angel was was happy, inexplicably so. She had a best friend, parental figures that actually cared for her (she supposed she understood a little bitterness there), and a number of other friends that cared for her, rather than her powers. Surely this was better than anything else he could have planned.]
You know I'm happy here, right? [It was dangerous ground she was stepping on, admitting to being happy without Jack.] All I mean is that... there are people here who care about me. Real friends, ones that aren't [She felt sick even so much as thinking the word] Bandits.
You better, 'cause I don't think I'm gonna be able to swallow my pride again. And I'm still me. You want a real apology, it's gonna be a mess and you're gonna have to fill in the stuff I can't make myself say.
...Angel, come on, what are you doing here? I'm...I'm trying to talk about us. You and me. And...make things right... you know how god damned hard this is for me...
[What is wrong with her? He's putting his friggin soul on the line, opening up (as far as she's concerned) and that's what she responds with? Is she even going to acknowledge that he's apologizing?]
This isn't the time to just point out how much happier you are without me.
[Angel's mood was quickly taking a turn for the more sour. As Jack spoke, she averted her eyes. She'd figured he would react in this way, but still she found herself hoping he might swallow his pride. It was almost laughable, considering what he had only just said.]
I want you to be happy that I'm happy.
[Was that too much to ask of him? Any other time, and she might have scoffed at his behavior. But Jack always managed to find ways to make her doubt herself.]
I'd be happier if you were around though. [Would that help? She wouldn't add the conditionals -- that she wanted him around like a father, and less like a dictator. She doubted he would appreciate that.]
I'm....I'm glad you're in a place where you can have a real life and be healthy and happy. I am. That's what I want for you.
[Thank god he used audio, so she can't see how tightly he's clenching his jaw or the way his fingers tighten around his chair arms.]
I want to be around! That's...that's the whole freaking reason I called you! I'm doing my damn best to get it across to you that I get that I'm the one who screwed up!
[She let out a sigh, one she hoped was soft enough for Jack not to pick up on. It was a start, she figured, and likely the best she would get from him for the time being.]
I appreciate that. [Even if she didn't appreciate the way it all was coming across.] Perhaps I'm beginning to sound like a broken record but... I just need time.
It's rough as hell. I feel shitty anyway, about...everything. And then I see you...having the life you've got and not being a part of it and that just makes me feel even shittier, and the shittier I feel the more pissed off I get and I just get all worked up and angry and guilty and crummy and I...throw it all at you.
Which...is not the way to deal with my baggage. I put a lot on you, I know I do. More than I should.
But...ya gotta try and look at it from my side. It's not easy for someone to face it when they've driven away their only god damn family.
[Did he phrase that right? Did he make it sound like he was taking the blame? Because that's what he's going for.]
I'm still here, Jack. [Angel hated herself for saying it, but the guilt was welling up within her. It didn't help that she had Manaka on another line, needling at her in other ways.]
As long as I'm alive and breathing, you have a chance to make things right.
I dunno if that's gonna be long enough. [He's trying hard to sound like a guy who feels really badly about what he's done.] Got a lot of making right, and I dunno how to do that if I can't even talk to ya. Ya know? I can't try and be a better dad if I can't be your dad at all. S'like...I dunno. I dunno. [He tries to think of the things she's accused him of, to pull some sort of specific example to bolster his crafted 'apology'.]
How do I even make up for treating you like that?
[Okay, close enough. He really expected more of a reaction from her, after months of hearing nothing but how badly she wants to hear this. He deserves a friggin award for this...]
Start by admitting you've done wrong. [Which... he was trying to do. She could give him credit for that -- it was more than he'd ever don before.]
And then you have to allow me to hurt. And be upset and lash out. It's... hard to forget some of the stuff you've done. But if you're willing to try, so am I.
You don't have to say it anymore. I've heard it. You're trying and I can see that.
[She hated saying it aloud, felt like it was admitting defeat. But she so desperately wanted to believe that what he was saying was the truth.] I just need time to accept it.
I really am, Angel. I know I've got a temper, I know I can kinda fly off the handle sometimes, but I'm trying. But you gotta recognize when I'm trying in my way, too. Like when I send you things and don't make a big deal out of it. That's me trying, baby.
You're...damn it, you're all I've got left. You're my daughter. You're the best damn thing I ever did. And I know you don't remember when it was good, but I do. And it...it was so good, sweetheart. Before it all got screwed up, it was so good.
Everything that happened back then was my fault. If it hadn't... if I could have controlled myself. Mom could be here. You wouldn't have had to do so many awful things.
Oh, hey, Angel, no. That wasn't your fault. It was...it was a shitty, shitty thing that happened. Nobody knew what you could do, how the hell could you have controlled it? You didn't even know what it was.
What happened to your mother...it was an accident. I've been over it in my head a million times, there's nothing that anybody could've done different.
And uh...I'm sorry I don't ever talk about your mom. That's got nothing to do with you, I just don't. It's...it's just easier for me, that way. And I'm sorry there's nothing left, nothing I could like give you or pass on to you that was hers or anything. I know I've probably let it go to where you don't even have any good memories or nice things to think about when it comes to her. And that...that sucks. I've got that and it sucks.
[Somewhere, at some point, this has turned into an actual conversation.]
Sometimes I remember. There are bits and pieces that make it through -- [Again, she had to bite her tongue. The trauma of what happened that day was bad enough, but so too was everything that followed. It had resulted in an almost impermeable wall in her brain.]
Uh...she was good. I know that sounds really vague and like not an actual answer, but I dunno how else to put it. She...she was just so optimistic and believed the best of everybody and put up with so much with just...this kind of grace and...she always believed in me.
[Jack's voice is thick and muddled. He doesn't really like talking about his first wife. Mostly because it still hurts so damn much that she's gone. And he gets...vulnerable in that way he doesn't like people knowing he can. But...well, if anybody should hear it, it's Angel. And he's drunk enough and feeling vaguely guilty enough to manage it.]
You uh, you look just like her, you know. Same eyes, same coloring, same kinda face. She had the blackest, curliest hair I've ever seen. Wore it real long, too.
[Angel's fingers toyed with her own curls. She'd thought about cutting it down further, evening it out, but the thought of matching her mother was an enticing one. At the very least, her locks provided a welcome distraction, drawing her focus away from thoughts that were threatening to circle around Jack's voice.]
[This was a side of her she saw so rarely, and usually it only ever came in the context of his manipulations. This was different. Worrisome, but not in the usual ways.]
No, Angel, you gotta stop looking at it like that. Yeah, you were a part of it. Obviously I can't say you weren't. But you were just... it's like if I take a crystal and use it for a lens to focus a laser through. The crystal's just the thing in the middle, and it's not like it had any say in it. That's you. Except with even less blame, 'cause at least in the analogy there, everybody knows what the lens is gonna do.
Nobody knew what you could do. Nobody 'took' your mom away, we just...lost her.
And I don't wanna lose you, too. I already did, and that...jesus dickballs, that was it, sweetheart. I was really ready to just burn all of Pandora to the ground, I really was. I just didn't give a shit anymore.
But uh...ya know. I did realize some stuff, then. I shoulda done more. For you, I mean.
[There probably were ways he could have eased the experience of being hidden away more than what he'd done. He could have spent more time with her. Talked to her about her mother. A pet, something.]
[She opened her mouth, ready to point out that he was ready to raze Pandora anyways, but closed it again. Once again, she had to remind herself that they were making progress, no matter how much Jack stretched the truth.]
No, no, I just mean...in general. To....anything. Really losing you, sweetheart.
'Cause, I mean....I know it's not a super fun topic to bring up, but we're on borrowed time. Everybody is, around here. That's probably why I've got so much trouble not calling ya sometimes. What if I don't, and then I don't ever get to call ya again? For crissakes, I still haven't even gotten to...
I can't even give ya a hug. I can't hold you, even though I totally can, now. And you used to sit in my lap all the time, Angel. I'd have you in one arm, my work in the other hand...
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
brokencode) wrote2016-08-22 05:17 am
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I know. [Her throat felt like it was closing up, and her eyes were beginning to burn. This wasn't what she would have wanted.]
[But did that mean she would forgive Jack for what he had done? Start over from the beginning and pretend it hadn't happened? Angel wanted to believe that her mother was better than that, would have protected her, even from her husband.]
I can't start over. But... I can try to move forward.
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[Well, it's the best he's gotten so far. And she's not yelling or freaking out or anything else. Okay, this had been the right course of action. Just lie!]
This isn't what I want, either. You...like this. I just...I dunno. Lost track of...a lot of stuff. Priorities and things. I'm not saying this as an excuse or anything, but I was pretty messed up there a while myself. It was a messed up time, there was a lot going on, a lot of panicking...
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[What Jack says catches her up, though. What Angel was was happy, inexplicably so. She had a best friend, parental figures that actually cared for her (she supposed she understood a little bitterness there), and a number of other friends that cared for her, rather than her powers. Surely this was better than anything else he could have planned.]
You know I'm happy here, right? [It was dangerous ground she was stepping on, admitting to being happy without Jack.] All I mean is that... there are people here who care about me. Real friends, ones that aren't [She felt sick even so much as thinking the word] Bandits.
That's good, isn't it?
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...Angel, come on, what are you doing here? I'm...I'm trying to talk about us. You and me. And...make things right... you know how god damned hard this is for me...
[What is wrong with her? He's putting his friggin soul on the line, opening up (as far as she's concerned) and that's what she responds with? Is she even going to acknowledge that he's apologizing?]
This isn't the time to just point out how much happier you are without me.
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I want you to be happy that I'm happy.
[Was that too much to ask of him? Any other time, and she might have scoffed at his behavior. But Jack always managed to find ways to make her doubt herself.]
I'd be happier if you were around though. [Would that help? She wouldn't add the conditionals -- that she wanted him around like a father, and less like a dictator. She doubted he would appreciate that.]
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[Thank god he used audio, so she can't see how tightly he's clenching his jaw or the way his fingers tighten around his chair arms.]
I want to be around! That's...that's the whole freaking reason I called you! I'm doing my damn best to get it across to you that I get that I'm the one who screwed up!
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I appreciate that. [Even if she didn't appreciate the way it all was coming across.] Perhaps I'm beginning to sound like a broken record but... I just need time.
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It's rough as hell. I feel shitty anyway, about...everything. And then I see you...having the life you've got and not being a part of it and that just makes me feel even shittier, and the shittier I feel the more pissed off I get and I just get all worked up and angry and guilty and crummy and I...throw it all at you.
Which...is not the way to deal with my baggage. I put a lot on you, I know I do. More than I should.
But...ya gotta try and look at it from my side. It's not easy for someone to face it when they've driven away their only god damn family.
[Did he phrase that right? Did he make it sound like he was taking the blame? Because that's what he's going for.]
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As long as I'm alive and breathing, you have a chance to make things right.
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How do I even make up for treating you like that?
[Okay, close enough. He really expected more of a reaction from her, after months of hearing nothing but how badly she wants to hear this. He deserves a friggin award for this...]
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And then you have to allow me to hurt. And be upset and lash out. It's... hard to forget some of the stuff you've done. But if you're willing to try, so am I.
[Angel drew a deep breath.]
Is that okay? Can we start with that?
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If I wasn't gonna try, I wouldn't be calling you. You know I don't like anybody seeing me...all vulnerable and everything.
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[She hated saying it aloud, felt like it was admitting defeat. But she so desperately wanted to believe that what he was saying was the truth.] I just need time to accept it.
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You're...damn it, you're all I've got left. You're my daughter. You're the best damn thing I ever did. And I know you don't remember when it was good, but I do. And it...it was so good, sweetheart. Before it all got screwed up, it was so good.
I just want that back.
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Everything that happened back then was my fault. If it hadn't... if I could have controlled myself. Mom could be here. You wouldn't have had to do so many awful things.
We would still be a family if not for me.
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What happened to your mother...it was an accident. I've been over it in my head a million times, there's nothing that anybody could've done different.
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Yeah, me too.
And uh...I'm sorry I don't ever talk about your mom. That's got nothing to do with you, I just don't. It's...it's just easier for me, that way. And I'm sorry there's nothing left, nothing I could like give you or pass on to you that was hers or anything. I know I've probably let it go to where you don't even have any good memories or nice things to think about when it comes to her. And that...that sucks. I've got that and it sucks.
[Somewhere, at some point, this has turned into an actual conversation.]
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What was she like?
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[Jack's voice is thick and muddled. He doesn't really like talking about his first wife. Mostly because it still hurts so damn much that she's gone. And he gets...vulnerable in that way he doesn't like people knowing he can. But...well, if anybody should hear it, it's Angel. And he's drunk enough and feeling vaguely guilty enough to manage it.]
You uh, you look just like her, you know. Same eyes, same coloring, same kinda face. She had the blackest, curliest hair I've ever seen. Wore it real long, too.
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[This was a side of her she saw so rarely, and usually it only ever came in the context of his manipulations. This was different. Worrisome, but not in the usual ways.]
[She was worried for her father, of all things.]
I'm sorry I took her away...
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Nobody knew what you could do. Nobody 'took' your mom away, we just...lost her.
And I don't wanna lose you, too. I already did, and that...jesus dickballs, that was it, sweetheart. I was really ready to just burn all of Pandora to the ground, I really was. I just didn't give a shit anymore.
But uh...ya know. I did realize some stuff, then. I shoulda done more. For you, I mean.
[There probably were ways he could have eased the experience of being hidden away more than what he'd done. He could have spent more time with her. Talked to her about her mother. A pet, something.]
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I already said, you are not losing me right now.
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'Cause, I mean....I know it's not a super fun topic to bring up, but we're on borrowed time. Everybody is, around here. That's probably why I've got so much trouble not calling ya sometimes. What if I don't, and then I don't ever get to call ya again? For crissakes, I still haven't even gotten to...
I can't even give ya a hug. I can't hold you, even though I totally can, now. And you used to sit in my lap all the time, Angel. I'd have you in one arm, my work in the other hand...
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I promise you though, I will give it an attempt. I will try and be better, so long as you are. Maybe one day you will be able to hug me.
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