You don't have to say it anymore. I've heard it. You're trying and I can see that.
[She hated saying it aloud, felt like it was admitting defeat. But she so desperately wanted to believe that what he was saying was the truth.] I just need time to accept it.
I really am, Angel. I know I've got a temper, I know I can kinda fly off the handle sometimes, but I'm trying. But you gotta recognize when I'm trying in my way, too. Like when I send you things and don't make a big deal out of it. That's me trying, baby.
You're...damn it, you're all I've got left. You're my daughter. You're the best damn thing I ever did. And I know you don't remember when it was good, but I do. And it...it was so good, sweetheart. Before it all got screwed up, it was so good.
Everything that happened back then was my fault. If it hadn't... if I could have controlled myself. Mom could be here. You wouldn't have had to do so many awful things.
Oh, hey, Angel, no. That wasn't your fault. It was...it was a shitty, shitty thing that happened. Nobody knew what you could do, how the hell could you have controlled it? You didn't even know what it was.
What happened to your mother...it was an accident. I've been over it in my head a million times, there's nothing that anybody could've done different.
And uh...I'm sorry I don't ever talk about your mom. That's got nothing to do with you, I just don't. It's...it's just easier for me, that way. And I'm sorry there's nothing left, nothing I could like give you or pass on to you that was hers or anything. I know I've probably let it go to where you don't even have any good memories or nice things to think about when it comes to her. And that...that sucks. I've got that and it sucks.
[Somewhere, at some point, this has turned into an actual conversation.]
Sometimes I remember. There are bits and pieces that make it through -- [Again, she had to bite her tongue. The trauma of what happened that day was bad enough, but so too was everything that followed. It had resulted in an almost impermeable wall in her brain.]
Uh...she was good. I know that sounds really vague and like not an actual answer, but I dunno how else to put it. She...she was just so optimistic and believed the best of everybody and put up with so much with just...this kind of grace and...she always believed in me.
[Jack's voice is thick and muddled. He doesn't really like talking about his first wife. Mostly because it still hurts so damn much that she's gone. And he gets...vulnerable in that way he doesn't like people knowing he can. But...well, if anybody should hear it, it's Angel. And he's drunk enough and feeling vaguely guilty enough to manage it.]
You uh, you look just like her, you know. Same eyes, same coloring, same kinda face. She had the blackest, curliest hair I've ever seen. Wore it real long, too.
[Angel's fingers toyed with her own curls. She'd thought about cutting it down further, evening it out, but the thought of matching her mother was an enticing one. At the very least, her locks provided a welcome distraction, drawing her focus away from thoughts that were threatening to circle around Jack's voice.]
[This was a side of her she saw so rarely, and usually it only ever came in the context of his manipulations. This was different. Worrisome, but not in the usual ways.]
No, Angel, you gotta stop looking at it like that. Yeah, you were a part of it. Obviously I can't say you weren't. But you were just... it's like if I take a crystal and use it for a lens to focus a laser through. The crystal's just the thing in the middle, and it's not like it had any say in it. That's you. Except with even less blame, 'cause at least in the analogy there, everybody knows what the lens is gonna do.
Nobody knew what you could do. Nobody 'took' your mom away, we just...lost her.
And I don't wanna lose you, too. I already did, and that...jesus dickballs, that was it, sweetheart. I was really ready to just burn all of Pandora to the ground, I really was. I just didn't give a shit anymore.
But uh...ya know. I did realize some stuff, then. I shoulda done more. For you, I mean.
[There probably were ways he could have eased the experience of being hidden away more than what he'd done. He could have spent more time with her. Talked to her about her mother. A pet, something.]
[She opened her mouth, ready to point out that he was ready to raze Pandora anyways, but closed it again. Once again, she had to remind herself that they were making progress, no matter how much Jack stretched the truth.]
No, no, I just mean...in general. To....anything. Really losing you, sweetheart.
'Cause, I mean....I know it's not a super fun topic to bring up, but we're on borrowed time. Everybody is, around here. That's probably why I've got so much trouble not calling ya sometimes. What if I don't, and then I don't ever get to call ya again? For crissakes, I still haven't even gotten to...
I can't even give ya a hug. I can't hold you, even though I totally can, now. And you used to sit in my lap all the time, Angel. I'd have you in one arm, my work in the other hand...
No, I know, I know. You really don't have to keep hitting me with that, I know. But you gotta admit....things are different now. Come on, I haven't even lost my temper and attacked anybody in...like months! And that was like...only twice. Last time I even hit anybody was just in self defense. And...oh jeezus, there are some people I'd really like to just....graaahh. But I haven't, and I'm not gonna, 'cause you don't like that.
[And if he really feels the need to visit bodily harm on somebody...he's got a guy for that.]
I don't even get why you won't let me. I know...I know I did shit that was not cool. But you know I'd never, ever like...hit you, or any shit like that. I really do hope ya know that, Angel, 'cause I'd...I'd rather get double tag teamed by a bunch of friggin Vault Hunters again than ever do that to ya. That's something nobody should ever do to their kid. I don't care how mad you are, I don't care what your kid did to piss ya off, you don't attack'em like they were a vicious animal or something.
We uh...we come from a pretty messed up family, hun.
[Angel could have uttered a handful of arguments to all of Jack's point, but instead held her tongue. As she had told herself time and time again, it wouldn't do either of them any good. This was progress, no matter the setbacks.]
[And yet... she felt guilty for not saying anything in Timothy's defense. She knew that Jack didn't see it as anything more than claiming his property, just as he didn't see what he did to her as abuse. She also couldn't help but balk at the idea of being compared to an animal.]
[She wasn't attacked like she was one, but she'd been collared like one.]
Oh Angel...you've got no idea. Not even the half of it.
I mean...I only know half of it, I dunno anything about my dad or his family or anything. I guess I look like him? I don't...I don't look like the other one. D'ya know...I dunno even know if he was alive when I was born or not.
Huh.
That's...you'd think that's something I probably should have been told...
Uh...okay, getting...getting off track here! Um, my point, I think, is that I know what it's like to be a parent with a shitty relationship with their kid, and I know what it's like to be a kid who hates their only living parent and doesn't have anything to do with'em. And I don't want that for either of us. So...gonna do the thing. For you. Cause you're my girl.
[Jack is very drunk at this point. Amazing how tolerance goes down, when you aren't shoving every substance you can get your hands on into your body.]
[Grateful hardly began to describe Angel's feelings in regards to the fact that Jack hadn't attempted to contact her via video. As he droned on about his family and matters that barely concerned her, her eyes glazed over. It was a hauntingly familiar situation -- back when things were Jack's definition of normal, she had done the same, time and time again.]
I appreciate you making the effort J-- [She drew a breath and steeled her nerves.] Dad...
[The odds of Jack remembering this part of the conversation are low, remembering it clearly, out of the question. Which is a pity.]
I think it's kinda hit me that you feel about me the way I felt about my mom when I was a teenager. And the only contact I had with her when I was an adult was...uh...well, it ended with me punching her, so...I mean, okay, the whole thing was mostly me punching her.
[He doesn't understand why Angel feels this way. He never abandoned her. He never gave away to some psychopath. But she's got bad feelings for him.]
Obviously, different situation, our issues are different than what I had with her, but... you you get what I'm trying to say, right?
Uh, no, no that wasn't what I was...but, I dunno, do ya think it'd make ya feel better?
[She's like...tiny. It's not like it would hurt him.]
But uh, I mean I know how I feel about my mom. And felt about her before I just...stopped thinking about her anymore. And all the...shitty feelings and everything. Christ, I...I had a chance to get to know her or try or...and I just punched her. And left. That was it. And it's like now...I'm on the other side of it, right?
It... has a chance of it going that way, I will not lie to you about that. However... you're trying, and maybe that is more than you can say for about your mother.
... I think it would only hurt me. Physically. It might make me feel better emotionally but I do not think that is a worthwhile exchange.
Uh, wow, yeah, no. she did not try at all. She gave me to a crazy psychopath when I was a baby and pretty much didn't look back. Every so often I'd get a postcard, from some other planet...if I was really lucky, she remembered how to spell my name. She never wanted me. But I want you, I always wanted you. I just...make mistakes and then don't wanna admit I made'em.
You could wear a boxing glove. Or get one of those foam bats. Obviously I'm more into the foam bat idea, but you can punch me with a boxing glove, that's cool.
[She thought to scoff, but didn't. He likely wouldn't take her thoughts, that she would have liked to have actually inflicted pain, a fraction of what he'd put her through, as anything more than her "acting just like him."]
Offer's there, sweetheart. I just...I wanna make you feel better. I know ya don't believe a lot of what I say, but you gotta believe me, I want you to feel better. I want ya to be happy. I wanna give ya a real childhood and shit. 'Cause you deserve one. You didn't really get one, and I hate that. I really do.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
brokencode) wrote2016-08-22 05:17 am
no subject
If I wasn't gonna try, I wouldn't be calling you. You know I don't like anybody seeing me...all vulnerable and everything.
no subject
[She hated saying it aloud, felt like it was admitting defeat. But she so desperately wanted to believe that what he was saying was the truth.] I just need time to accept it.
no subject
You're...damn it, you're all I've got left. You're my daughter. You're the best damn thing I ever did. And I know you don't remember when it was good, but I do. And it...it was so good, sweetheart. Before it all got screwed up, it was so good.
I just want that back.
no subject
Everything that happened back then was my fault. If it hadn't... if I could have controlled myself. Mom could be here. You wouldn't have had to do so many awful things.
We would still be a family if not for me.
no subject
What happened to your mother...it was an accident. I've been over it in my head a million times, there's nothing that anybody could've done different.
no subject
no subject
Yeah, me too.
And uh...I'm sorry I don't ever talk about your mom. That's got nothing to do with you, I just don't. It's...it's just easier for me, that way. And I'm sorry there's nothing left, nothing I could like give you or pass on to you that was hers or anything. I know I've probably let it go to where you don't even have any good memories or nice things to think about when it comes to her. And that...that sucks. I've got that and it sucks.
[Somewhere, at some point, this has turned into an actual conversation.]
no subject
What was she like?
no subject
[Jack's voice is thick and muddled. He doesn't really like talking about his first wife. Mostly because it still hurts so damn much that she's gone. And he gets...vulnerable in that way he doesn't like people knowing he can. But...well, if anybody should hear it, it's Angel. And he's drunk enough and feeling vaguely guilty enough to manage it.]
You uh, you look just like her, you know. Same eyes, same coloring, same kinda face. She had the blackest, curliest hair I've ever seen. Wore it real long, too.
no subject
[This was a side of her she saw so rarely, and usually it only ever came in the context of his manipulations. This was different. Worrisome, but not in the usual ways.]
[She was worried for her father, of all things.]
I'm sorry I took her away...
no subject
Nobody knew what you could do. Nobody 'took' your mom away, we just...lost her.
And I don't wanna lose you, too. I already did, and that...jesus dickballs, that was it, sweetheart. I was really ready to just burn all of Pandora to the ground, I really was. I just didn't give a shit anymore.
But uh...ya know. I did realize some stuff, then. I shoulda done more. For you, I mean.
[There probably were ways he could have eased the experience of being hidden away more than what he'd done. He could have spent more time with her. Talked to her about her mother. A pet, something.]
no subject
I already said, you are not losing me right now.
no subject
'Cause, I mean....I know it's not a super fun topic to bring up, but we're on borrowed time. Everybody is, around here. That's probably why I've got so much trouble not calling ya sometimes. What if I don't, and then I don't ever get to call ya again? For crissakes, I still haven't even gotten to...
I can't even give ya a hug. I can't hold you, even though I totally can, now. And you used to sit in my lap all the time, Angel. I'd have you in one arm, my work in the other hand...
no subject
I promise you though, I will give it an attempt. I will try and be better, so long as you are. Maybe one day you will be able to hug me.
no subject
[And if he really feels the need to visit bodily harm on somebody...he's got a guy for that.]
I don't even get why you won't let me. I know...I know I did shit that was not cool. But you know I'd never, ever like...hit you, or any shit like that. I really do hope ya know that, Angel, 'cause I'd...I'd rather get double tag teamed by a bunch of friggin Vault Hunters again than ever do that to ya. That's something nobody should ever do to their kid. I don't care how mad you are, I don't care what your kid did to piss ya off, you don't attack'em like they were a vicious animal or something.
We uh...we come from a pretty messed up family, hun.
no subject
[And yet... she felt guilty for not saying anything in Timothy's defense. She knew that Jack didn't see it as anything more than claiming his property, just as he didn't see what he did to her as abuse. She also couldn't help but balk at the idea of being compared to an animal.]
[She wasn't attacked like she was one, but she'd been collared like one.]
I know we do...
no subject
I mean...I only know half of it, I dunno anything about my dad or his family or anything. I guess I look like him? I don't...I don't look like the other one. D'ya know...I dunno even know if he was alive when I was born or not.
Huh.
That's...you'd think that's something I probably should have been told...
Uh...okay, getting...getting off track here! Um, my point, I think, is that I know what it's like to be a parent with a shitty relationship with their kid, and I know what it's like to be a kid who hates their only living parent and doesn't have anything to do with'em. And I don't want that for either of us. So...gonna do the thing. For you. Cause you're my girl.
[Jack is very drunk at this point. Amazing how tolerance goes down, when you aren't shoving every substance you can get your hands on into your body.]
no subject
I appreciate you making the effort J-- [She drew a breath and steeled her nerves.] Dad...
no subject
[The odds of Jack remembering this part of the conversation are low, remembering it clearly, out of the question. Which is a pity.]
I think it's kinda hit me that you feel about me the way I felt about my mom when I was a teenager. And the only contact I had with her when I was an adult was...uh...well, it ended with me punching her, so...I mean, okay, the whole thing was mostly me punching her.
[He doesn't understand why Angel feels this way. He never abandoned her. He never gave away to some psychopath. But she's got bad feelings for him.]
Obviously, different situation, our issues are different than what I had with her, but... you you get what I'm trying to say, right?
no subject
Are you... asking me to punch you, Dad?
no subject
Uh, no, no that wasn't what I was...but, I dunno, do ya think it'd make ya feel better?
[She's like...tiny. It's not like it would hurt him.]
But uh, I mean I know how I feel about my mom. And felt about her before I just...stopped thinking about her anymore. And all the...shitty feelings and everything. Christ, I...I had a chance to get to know her or try or...and I just punched her. And left. That was it. And it's like now...I'm on the other side of it, right?
no subject
... I think it would only hurt me. Physically. It might make me feel better emotionally but I do not think that is a worthwhile exchange.
no subject
You could wear a boxing glove. Or get one of those foam bats. Obviously I'm more into the foam bat idea, but you can punch me with a boxing glove, that's cool.
Just...not the face.
no subject
Perhaps not...
no subject
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)