[That was... a sharp blow, and one that takes the wind out of her sails. She glanced down, picking at her nails with a frown. Her memories were cloudy, she couldn't remember exactly how her mother behaved, only that she missed her. Only that she loved them both dearly.]
I know. [Her throat felt like it was closing up, and her eyes were beginning to burn. This wasn't what she would have wanted.]
[But did that mean she would forgive Jack for what he had done? Start over from the beginning and pretend it hadn't happened? Angel wanted to believe that her mother was better than that, would have protected her, even from her husband.]
I can't start over. But... I can try to move forward.
That's good of you. [Regardless of how she felt about Jack, she had to admit that she admired Manaka. To be so objective, to see the good in everything. It was the kind of person Angel wished she was.]
You're a good person, Manaka. I am happy to have met you.
It is hard to expect much better, all things considered. Besides it... becomes easy to sound it out when you hear it almost every day. It's interesting how a mindless, disconnected bunch manages to recite ancient stageplays almost identically, day in and day out.
That's something. I can't...I can't go back and change anything, Angel. If I could...I would, okay? I...
[Well, it's the best he's gotten so far. And she's not yelling or freaking out or anything else. Okay, this had been the right course of action. Just lie!]
This isn't what I want, either. You...like this. I just...I dunno. Lost track of...a lot of stuff. Priorities and things. I'm not saying this as an excuse or anything, but I was pretty messed up there a while myself. It was a messed up time, there was a lot going on, a lot of panicking...
Mm, I don't think it's very "good." It just makes sense, to want an ending that's good for the people you like.
But I feel that way, too, about a lot of the people I've met here. This place is really wonderful, isn't it? There are so many things here, and people, that I never would have been able to imagine before. So, I guess that's why... This world really feels like a fairytale land, with a happy ending waiting right around the corner.
[Once again, the longer she speaks to Angel, the more genuine the sentiment behind her words becomes—even if she omits a detail here and there.]
[What Jack says catches her up, though. What Angel was was happy, inexplicably so. She had a best friend, parental figures that actually cared for her (she supposed she understood a little bitterness there), and a number of other friends that cared for her, rather than her powers. Surely this was better than anything else he could have planned.]
You know I'm happy here, right? [It was dangerous ground she was stepping on, admitting to being happy without Jack.] All I mean is that... there are people here who care about me. Real friends, ones that aren't [She felt sick even so much as thinking the word] Bandits.
I've known many people who don't want good endings for those around them. Only for themselves. [Jack being one of them, but she didn't want to bring that up. So far, they were being amicable with one another, and Angel wasn't about the put that in danger.]
It is wonderful. [Heaven, Angel had once thought, back when she believed as much.] Of all the places I could have wound up after... what happened, I am glad it was here.
There's a difference between simply being near someone and loving them, or what we want and what reality will allow.
[It's probably for the best. After all, whatever Jack's faults, Manaka believes him when he says that he had done the best he could with Angel's circumstances. Her separation hurts him so much, so clearly he cares about her, and what he had told her of the alternatives rings true to her ears.]
Mm! Me, too. Did you know I never had many friends? I was different from other people, so not many could relate to me. But here, there are lots of interesting people, and some of them are even the same as me!
You better, 'cause I don't think I'm gonna be able to swallow my pride again. And I'm still me. You want a real apology, it's gonna be a mess and you're gonna have to fill in the stuff I can't make myself say.
...Angel, come on, what are you doing here? I'm...I'm trying to talk about us. You and me. And...make things right... you know how god damned hard this is for me...
[What is wrong with her? He's putting his friggin soul on the line, opening up (as far as she's concerned) and that's what she responds with? Is she even going to acknowledge that he's apologizing?]
This isn't the time to just point out how much happier you are without me.
[Angel's mood was quickly taking a turn for the more sour. As Jack spoke, she averted her eyes. She'd figured he would react in this way, but still she found herself hoping he might swallow his pride. It was almost laughable, considering what he had only just said.]
I want you to be happy that I'm happy.
[Was that too much to ask of him? Any other time, and she might have scoffed at his behavior. But Jack always managed to find ways to make her doubt herself.]
I'd be happier if you were around though. [Would that help? She wouldn't add the conditionals -- that she wanted him around like a father, and less like a dictator. She doubted he would appreciate that.]
I suppose you're right. [Angel had her doubts, but still she kept quiet. With everything that had happened, Angel wasn't in the mood for another squabble today.]
I didn't either. [For both similar and vastly different reasons.] I'm glad you can meet those people now though. It's never too late to make friends, I've found.
[Despite everything, the differences in their mentalities and the way she cared for Jack, Angel couldn't help but hope that Manaka considered her to be a friend.]
I'm....I'm glad you're in a place where you can have a real life and be healthy and happy. I am. That's what I want for you.
[Thank god he used audio, so she can't see how tightly he's clenching his jaw or the way his fingers tighten around his chair arms.]
I want to be around! That's...that's the whole freaking reason I called you! I'm doing my damn best to get it across to you that I get that I'm the one who screwed up!
[She let out a sigh, one she hoped was soft enough for Jack not to pick up on. It was a start, she figured, and likely the best she would get from him for the time being.]
I appreciate that. [Even if she didn't appreciate the way it all was coming across.] Perhaps I'm beginning to sound like a broken record but... I just need time.
It's rough as hell. I feel shitty anyway, about...everything. And then I see you...having the life you've got and not being a part of it and that just makes me feel even shittier, and the shittier I feel the more pissed off I get and I just get all worked up and angry and guilty and crummy and I...throw it all at you.
Which...is not the way to deal with my baggage. I put a lot on you, I know I do. More than I should.
But...ya gotta try and look at it from my side. It's not easy for someone to face it when they've driven away their only god damn family.
[Did he phrase that right? Did he make it sound like he was taking the blame? Because that's what he's going for.]
I'm still here, Jack. [Angel hated herself for saying it, but the guilt was welling up within her. It didn't help that she had Manaka on another line, needling at her in other ways.]
As long as I'm alive and breathing, you have a chance to make things right.
Jack told me about you. About what you could do. We were both able to do things other people couldn't, even though we never asked for such a gift.
[Manaka's usual bubbliness had already faded from her voice, replaced by a gentler tone, but now, she speaks so quietly that it might be difficult to hear her over the 'Gear. It makes her words sound oddly intimate — but then, she is describing something very personal.]
It set us apart from other people. It scared them. I'm sure... Had I ever made a mistake, short-sighted, small-minded people would have wanted to cut me open for study, and store what was left of me in formaldehyde.
I dunno if that's gonna be long enough. [He's trying hard to sound like a guy who feels really badly about what he's done.] Got a lot of making right, and I dunno how to do that if I can't even talk to ya. Ya know? I can't try and be a better dad if I can't be your dad at all. S'like...I dunno. I dunno. [He tries to think of the things she's accused him of, to pull some sort of specific example to bolster his crafted 'apology'.]
How do I even make up for treating you like that?
[Okay, close enough. He really expected more of a reaction from her, after months of hearing nothing but how badly she wants to hear this. He deserves a friggin award for this...]
Start by admitting you've done wrong. [Which... he was trying to do. She could give him credit for that -- it was more than he'd ever don before.]
And then you have to allow me to hurt. And be upset and lash out. It's... hard to forget some of the stuff you've done. But if you're willing to try, so am I.
[Angel closed her eyes. This... was an unexpected turn. She'd always thought herself justified in her actions -- Maya had been in a similar situation after all, and she'd fought her way out. But if that wasn't the right idea, then what?]
[Suffering?]
If you were in my shoes, what would you do? And what did you do, when you had no one...?
You don't have to say it anymore. I've heard it. You're trying and I can see that.
[She hated saying it aloud, felt like it was admitting defeat. But she so desperately wanted to believe that what he was saying was the truth.] I just need time to accept it.
Oh! I don't think you were wrong to do what you had to, or anything like that. [When she answers, she sounds remarkably casual.] But still, I sympathize with the position Jack was in. I doubt my father could have protected me, if I had made myself a threat.
[Whether or not she would need him to... That's another story, and one that isn't relevant to this conversation.]
My father wanted something from me, too. It was silly and pointless, though, so I chose my own goal instead.
Oh. [Her lips twisted into a grimace. More unsavory parallels, she noted. She tasted an apology on her tongue, but didn't yet utter it aloud. She doubted Manaka would take well to her pity.]
Why can't fathers just let their children be children?
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